


Trust & Lies

by Annamelia



Category: Star Trek: Picard
Genre: Angst and Humor, Awkward Romance, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, First Kiss, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Found Family, Light Angst, Romance, Virginity, space moms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:15:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23882152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annamelia/pseuds/Annamelia
Summary: “Why do you avoid me, Soji?”She didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t deny it, it was true, but she didn’t want to tell him “you bother me”. It sounded ridiculous when she thought about it. And now she had taken so long to answer that surely he would know she was lying.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Raffi Musiker/Seven of Nine, Soji Asha/Elnor (Star Trek)
Comments: 31
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

Elnor sat in the mess quietly, ritually cleaning his _tan qalanq_. The meditative movements occupied his hands, giving his thoughts the freedom to wander. He reflected that until he had joined the crew of the _La Sirena,_ he had never considered how much _time_ there is out in the void.

Dirtside, there was always something to do, a routine to follow. Especially on Vashti, with its dry, dusty air. Collecting water, tending crops, and the endless, endless cleaning. He remembered that once, as a child, he had asked Zani why there were always so many chores, and she had given him a long, long explanation. He could still remember parts of it; how Romulus had been a post-scarcity society, but that the supernova had changed things for everyone. How Vashti had, at first, been a sanctuary, a haven, but that strife and mistrust had changed people from willing co-habitants into quarrelsome factions vying over limited resources.

Aboard a starship, so much of life was automated. The air was still dry, but automatic scrubbers took care of the dust. Collecting water was as easy as requesting it from the replicator. There were no crops to tend. He wondered if this was what life was like on Federation planets, if this was what life had been like for his people before the supernova. He could understand how such societies might manage to live in peace and harmony when there was so little to struggle for.

At first, the time had been a blessing. He had spent hours going through the forms of his training, the openness of the ship a perfect practice space. He knew that the others watched him sometimes, had been happy to show them some of the easier movements, to spar with Seven or Rios. But always he would eventually end up by himself, the others pleading exhaustion or other commitments. He was in perhaps the best shape of his life, his occasional forays into holosuite training programmes revealing that their programmers had not anticipated one trained in the ways of the Qowat Milat.

As time wore on, however, he began to experience something new – boredom. He had sat every watch he was rostered for, kept his living quarters pristine, had read through a significant portion of the ship’s library. He had engaged in conversation with most of the crew, had learned the life stories of almost all of them. He had spent hours in conversation with Picard, learning of wine making, of Terran history, of what it is to be in command. Still, he had time that was unoccupied. Living with the Qowat Milat, he had slept only the allotted hours, but here, with such freedom, he noticed he was sleeping more. Some days a little too long. It had distressed him to realise he had begun to fall into unhealthy patterns, and so he had come out here to reflect.

As he picked up the soft cloth he used to wipe the blade, he heard the sound of quiet footsteps. Soji, he thought. She was the only member of the crew he hadn’t been able to build a rapport with. He was certain that she had been avoiding him. He didn’t stop his graceful movements as she entered the room. She paused a moment in the doorway and glanced at him, and he tried to give her a reassuring smile. Soji looked away quickly, stepping over to the replicator and quietly ordering breakfast. She took her tray and sat at the other mess table, not facing away from him, but not looking in his direction.

Elnor knew there was only one path open to him as a devotee of the Way of Absolute Candor, so he took it. Quietly, placing his blade back upon the table, he asked, “Why do you avoid me, Soji?”

\--

She’d known he was there before she’d even left her quarters. 

Her heightened senses had at first been disorienting, but now they were comforting, giving her a total sense of place within the ship. With only a slight shift of focus she could know where each crew member was, if she wanted to. She could hear when they talked, when they moved, when they embraced – although propriety and embarrassment meant she tried to block that out as much as possible. She could hear every micrometeoroid that _pinged_ against the ship’s shielding from the slight distortion it caused in the hum of power running through the air. If she was close enough, she could hear a heartbeat. 

She’d avoided getting that close to Elnor. Something about him bothered her. But she was hungry, and thirsty, and they didn’t have personal replicators on a ship this small. She wondered, not for the first time, why she had been created with the ability to feel hunger and thirst. She had reasoned it was to make her appear as “human” as possible, although it was occasionally quite inconvenient. Like now, for example. 

As she reached the threshold into the mess, Soji paused for the briefest of moments, taking in everything and processing it, and then continued. She was aware of Elnor; the soft sound of the cloth he gently ran along his blade was the loudest noise in the quiet room. He smiled at her, but she looked away quickly, unable to make herself smile back. He _bothered_ her. It was hard to say why. Everything he said, everything he did, every time he looked in her direction, made her feel off balance.

Aware that her own breathing had ever so slightly quickened, she decided that this ‘morning’ she needed something comforting and unexciting for breakfast. She pressed the button on the replicator and spoke quietly, “Sweetened porridge, warm, and a glass of cold milk”.

She couldn’t sit at his table. For a start, it was covered with sword sharpening paraphernalia. Quickly, she took a seat at the other mess table. She couldn’t face away from him, that would be rude, but she didn’t have to look at him. She took a bite of her porridge and heard him gently placing his _tan qalanq_ on the table. _Oh no. He’s going to talk to me._

“Why do you avoid me, Soji?”

She didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t deny it, it was true, but she didn’t want to tell him “you bother me”. It sounded ridiculous when she thought about it. And now she had taken so long to answer that surely he would know she was lying.

“I… I’m not avoiding you. I just, we…we don’t have a lot of interests in common.” She felt herself begin blushing – _stupid sympathetic nervous programming!_

Elnor raised an eyebrow, quizzically. He said, “You’re lying. We have many interests in common, and you definitely avoid me. When I visit Picard in his study, if you’re there, you always make an excuse and leave. Some of them have been rather obvious. I am not convinced that you need to “recharge your batteries”. I was under the impression that you don’t _have_ batteries.”

She could perform literally thousands of operations a second, but she couldn’t think of anything to say to that. She stared at him, mouth open slightly. He was still smiling. He looked so…open.

Soji shook her head slightly, blinking. She said, “I don’t have batteries, not literally, it’s just an expression humans use. And anyway, how would you know if I was lying? You don’t even know how to lie.”

Elnor’s smile grew wider. “Ah, now that is a common misconception. The first lessons the Qowat Milat give are about lying, for how is one to recognise the temptation to withhold the truth if they don’t know what lying is?”

Despite herself, Soji was interested. She’d learned a lot about Romulan culture – or at least been programmed to know about it – but the Qowat Milat weren’t often discussed or acknowledged in wider Romulan circles. Their absolute honesty ran counter to the general current of Romulan society and they were usually regarded as being strange, perverse even.

Elnor had continued speaking, his tone becoming more formal, as if he was repeating a lesson he had been taught. “There are at least three kinds of lying. Lying to others by deliberate deceit. Lying to others by omission. And finally, and most subtly, lying to oneself. Each has its own perils and should be avoided at all costs by those who walk the Way of Absolute Candor.”

Soji could practically hear the capital letters. He really believed in it, this Way…and he was _still smiling at her_. She realised she hadn’t said anything, was just staring at him.

Elnor nodded at the spoon still held in her hand. “Your porridge is getting cold.”

\--

He could tell he had flustered her. The changes were subtle, but he had been trained to pick up on unspoken language. He wasn’t sure what he had said that had caused it. Perhaps the batteries comment? He’d had little chance to interact with Terrans – or synths – when he was growing up. At first because the sisters had been protecting him from outside dangers, and then because the Terrans and Romulans on Vashti had lived and worked in separate, contentious factions.

Soji dropped her spoon back into the bowl of porridge. She turned more to face him, her knee resting on the bench in front of her. “You’re right. I have been avoiding you. I don’t know what to say. Something about you…bothers me. Upsets me. Maybe it’s that you have a closer relationship with Picard than I do, or maybe it’s because you’re Romulan and – lets remind ourselves – your species tried to kill my species, or maybe it’s that you’re just so...” She trailed off.

“Honest?”

“No.”

“Open?”

“No!”

“Physically imposing?”

“What?” Soji stared at him. “No! I don’t know. Something. It’s…I…you just make me uncomfortable, okay?”

“Oh.”

He watched her. She picked her spoon back up and began to eat the porridge, looking down into the bowl as if it might reveal to her some hidden secret. They sat together in silence.

“I apologise, Soji, that I make you uncomfortable. I don’t mean to. Would you prefer it if I left you alone? I can finish this in my quarters.” He began gathering his sharpening stones, carefully placing each one back into their carry case.

She looked at him, mouth full of porridge, swallowed, then said, “No, you don’t have to go. You were here first.” She stopped speaking and looked away, then back, “And, maybe I’ve been a little unfair. You aren’t your whole species. And Picard trusts you, so…maybe I should try to as well.”

 _Ah, it was an issue of trust._ Elnor’s thoughts suddenly flew down a different path, one he hadn’t considered. The last Romulan she’d let get close had turned out to be a Tal Shiar spy and had abused her trust, had tried to kill her personally.

He needed to say something. “Thank you. I’ll do my best to be worthy of your trust.” He stood and bowed slightly, pressing his palms together and then spreading his hands.

“Why did you do that?” Soji looked interested. He realised that she’d been interested before when he mentioned Qowat Milat teachings.

“It is the sign of the Qowat Milat. To show that one’s hands and heart are open. That there are no secrets or lies between us.”

Soji sniffed, turning back to her food. “You’ll have to forgive me. It’s hard for me to accept the idea that there’s a whole group of Romulans that commit themselves to truth.”

Elnor nodded. “It’s hard for most Romulans to believe it as well. It helps that they respect their blades far more than their honesty.”

“ _Their_ honesty? Not our?” Soji looked interested again.

He nodded, suddenly feeling that same tension that had been with him for most of his life. “Yes.” He sat back down, looking away slightly, then looked back. He hoped his pain wasn’t as obvious as he thought it might be. “The Qowat Milat are all female. I’m not. I can never be Qowat Milat, although they trained me as if I would be a part of that life.”

“Oh. That must have been…difficult.” She tilted her head ever so slightly, her interest clearly piqued.

He smiled grimly and looked away. “Difficult is an understatement. On Vashti, my nickname was ‘sister boy’.”

Soji choked on her milk. “What? Did they ever _look_ at you?”

Elnor looked back at her, confused. “I don’t understand.”

“I mean, you’re so tall, and, uh…” She was really going red this time. “…muscular, and, uh…oh hey, Raffi!” Soji waved at the Ops officer, a clear look of relief washing over her face.

Raffi had paused as she entered the room, looking at the pair of them in puzzlement. “Is everything okay in here?”

Elnor smiled at her. “Of course. We were just talking about how tall and masculine I am.”

“Muscular! I said muscular!” Soji stared at him in mild outrage, then held up both hands, her face bright red. “It’s not what it sounds like!”

Raffi was grinning now, folding her arms and leaning back against the bulkhead. “Is that right? What does it sound like?”

“Agh, never mind!” Soji stood up. “I have to go, it’s my turn on watch.”

As she left the room, Raffi looked back at Elnor. “What did you say to her?”

He shook his head. “I was telling her a little about the Qowat Milat, and about my nickname back on Vashti.”

“Maybe you surprised her, a little.” Raffi tutted and picked up Soji’s empty bowl and plate, putting them back into the replicator for recycling. She ordered herself a pot of black coffee and two cups. “I will say, it’s good to see the two of you getting along, finally. Seven and me were starting to get worried.”

“Worried? Why?” Elnor watched her, feeling confusion. “Why wouldn’t you tell me if you were worried?”

Raffi sighed. “Oh, not the bad kind of worried. Just, y’know, you two are in kind of a similar boat, and it would be good for you to have someone to talk to.”

“Similar? In what way?”

She smiled at him, gently. “Oh, both young, both orphans, both out in the deep dark of space with no real place that you belong anymore. Both with Picard as your, ah, father figure I guess.”

Elnor nodded. “I’d noticed those things as well, but Soji didn’t seem to want to talk to me. She says I make her uncomfortable.”

Raffi looked at him, wordlessly, a twinkle in her eye. She turned slightly, as Seven came into the room, looking slightly rumpled. Raffi said, “Morning, sleepyhead. Hey, I have a question for you.”

Seven squinted at Raffi. “Coffee. Then questions. In that order.”

Raffi grinned and poured her a cup of coffee. “So, love, what would you say was the first thing you noticed about being around me?”

“Oh god, are we being _introspective_ this morning?” Seven took a large gulp of the hot drink and dropped down onto the bench next to Raffi and sighed. “I guess that it was comfortable. You were one of the first people I felt I could be myself around.”

“And would you say, if I hadn’t responded in the way you so very clearly wanted, that you might have been _uncomfortable_?” Raffi shot Elnor a sidelong look from under her lashes.

Seven looked at her, confused. “I’m sorry, is there a point to this?”

“Oh, just trying to get an idea across to our friend here.” Raffi grinned and leaned over to kiss Seven lightly on the mouth. “Anyway, drink up. You’re on watch with Soji today.”

Elnor was more confused than he had been before. But as the rest of the crew came in one by one for their breakfast, he packed away his sharpening stones and headed back to his quarters. He had a lot of thinking to do.


	2. Deliberate deceit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He looked up, slowly, his eyes meeting hers. “Doctor Soji Asha, I must make a formal apology to you.”
> 
> He dropped, suddenly, to one knee, head bowed, hands held in front of him, supplicate.
> 
> Well, this was something new.

The stars were peaceful. Soji could imagine a million different lives in each of their flickering points.

‘Space’ was the wrong word for out here in the void between planets. It might be cold, and dark, but it was rarely completely empty. They had been following the wispy tail of a comet as it got just close enough to its sun to begin shedding ice behind it. It was the easiest way to obtain more water for _La Sirena_. It did require some purification, but the ship’s filtration system was more than adequate for that. The cold it brought with it, on the other hand, was less easily dealt with. She was grateful for the comfortable sweater she wore as she pulled her knees up onto the chair in front of her, hugging them. She watched the blinking lights of the bridge display. Even now, several weeks after joining the crew, she was still unfamiliar with some of them. Mostly because Rios or Enoch had kept telling her “Leave that alone. You don’t need to know.” She’d contemplated looking up the ship schematic but hadn’t been quite that bored yet.

She was waiting for Picard to join her on the bridge – they often shared the late watches. She was sure he had asked Rios to organise it that way on purpose, to give them an opportunity to get to know each other without the pressure of the rest of the crew. They’d spent hours talking about his life on the Enterprise, about Commander Data, about wine and grapes. They’d spent hours discussing her fascination with xenoathropology, the split between Vulcan and Romulan, the recovery of Borg drones into individual people – until Picard had shut that down when she’d enquired about how it had felt to be Locutus. They were closer now, not quite family, but perhaps that would come. She’d been looking forward to seeing him today. She had questions about the Qowat Milat, and his time on the abortive Romulan rescue operation.

She was surprised, then, to hear Elnor’s footsteps on the deckplate. He approached hesitantly. She turned the chair slightly and inclined her head toward him. As she did, she saw him stop and bow his head. He looked…apprehensive was probably the best word. Like he wasn’t sure whether she would welcome his company. She didn’t say anything, waiting. Whatever this was, she was going to let him talk first.

He looked up, slowly, his eyes meeting hers. “Doctor Soji Asha, I must make a formal apology to you.”

He dropped, suddenly, to one knee, head bowed, hands held in front of him, supplicate.

 _Well, this was something new._ She blinked, then turned the chair to fully face him and said, “Uhhh, for what?”

His head still bowed, he said, “I have been responsible for a deliberate untruth in your presence. You were the…target…of my falsehood, and therefore my apology must be made to you.”

“What?” Soji choked back a laugh, the contrast between the lightness of the words and his pose of absolute contrition striking. She’d never had anyone apologise to her _on their knees_ before. “I don’t understand. You lied to me?”

He still wasn’t looking at her. “I uttered false speech. My heart was not open, and I hid deception behind my words.”

Nonplussed, she said, “When?”

Elnor moved for the first time, glancing up at her before dropping his head again. “Yesterday morning, in the mess. I knew the true words that you had said, and yet I chose to misspeak them to Raffi. Therefore, I owe you an apology. As the party that was wronged by my thoughtless action, I owe you a debt, even unto my life’s blood.”

Soji stared at him. “Don’t you think that’s a little extreme?”

Elnor shook his head, looking up at her again. “No. The Qowat Milat must walk in truth and openness. To choose to misspeak the words of another is the greatest of wrongs – it’s deliberate deceit.”

“Well, I’m not Qowat Milat. I don’t want your blood.”

He looked slightly pained. “It doesn’t have to be literal blood, although if you wanted that I would give it.”

Soji looked at him thoughtfully. “You realise, you’ve given me carte blanche to ask for anything? Anything at all?”

He nodded grimly. “Yes. There’s a Qowat Milat saying, ‘a promise is a prison’. They don’t make promises lightly, and they don’t ask them of others. I lied about you, Soji. It was deliberate and foolish. I have to make amends”

“So what about Raffi? You told Raffi the lie about me, does she get an apology too?”

“Oh. Yes. I already apologised to Raffi.”

“And what did she ask for?” W _as he blushing?_

Elnor looked embarrassed. “She required me to explain to you why I lied.”

Soji leaned forward, despite herself. “I have to say, I’m curious.” _Yes, he was definitely blushing, his cheeks tinted faintly green._

“I will explain. But, it’s a little, ah, complicated. Do you mind if I sit?” He indicated the second chair on the bridge.

Silently, Soji gestured to the chair, her attention very firmly focused on him. _Whatever he’s got to say, this is going to be good._

Elnor sat, stiffly. He rested his hands on his knees, then tried to sit more casually, leaning to one side, before awkwardly folding his arms in front of him.

“It began a few days ago…”

\--

They sat around the mess table, cards in hand. It was late, the ship’s lights dimmed to simulate a night cycle. Picard had already headed to bed, claiming dispensation for his ‘elderly bones’ – although Agnes had disputed this loudly and tipsily, insistent that she and Soong had ensured his golem body was as healthy as any of them, more so in fact – and Soji hadn’t joined them at the table, saying that her enhanced senses gave her an unfair advantage. Elnor had never played this game before – Raffi had said it was called _pokah_ – but it seemed to rely on deception. She had explained the rules, and had assured him he wasn’t required to lie, even by omission, just keep the cards he was dealt hidden and try to make the best combination with the cards that he could. There was an element of gambling as well, although he didn’t really have anything worth putting into the pot. Raffi had suggested he could trade favors which made Seven snort, before Raffi explained that she meant things like doing chores for the other crewmembers. He wasn’t sure why that would be funny, but he couldn’t persuade either of them to explain. He had been doing well, at first, playing the hands where he was sure he had an advantage and sitting out the ones where he couldn’t see any good combination. It hadn’t lasted long though, his eagerness when he got the cards he needed being a dead giveaway. After a few games he decided to stop participating and just stay for the company, especially since he now owed Rios four air filter replacements and a ‘recycling goop clean-up’, whatever that was.

They were drinking something called ‘scotch’. Elnor hadn’t had much alcohol before, but it was pleasantly smoky tasting. He had the feeling it was stronger for Terrans than for Romulans. This hand had been going on a while, and Agnes and Rios had already folded. Agnes was certainly looking a little the worse for wear, curled up sleepily next to Rios, arm wrapped carelessly around his waist. The captain gently played with her hair, his eyes on the game. Seven and Raffi were locked in a staring contest, both of them with a slight smile on their face.

Seven picked up her glass and drank from it, never breaking eye contact. Putting the glass back on the table and licking her lips, she said “I call. You’ve got nothing.”

Raffi looked at her, unblinking, slowly revealing one card from her hand, an ace. “I think.” She flipped another card, another ace, “You’ll find.” _Flip_ , a third ace, “I have three of a kind.”

Seven’s eyes widened in shock. “How in the hell did you hide that?!”

Raffi jumped up onto the bench with a whoop. “Yes! Victory is mine, losers!”

Rios grinned, “Couldn’t have lost to a better winner. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take this lovely lady to bed.”

Raffi grinned back at him “Yours, or her own?”

“Doesn’t matter, amiga.” He winked.

Rios picked Agnes up, cradling her in his arms and slinging her arm over his shoulder. She snuggled into him as he carried her out of the room, towards the crew quarters.

Raffi climbed down from the bench, sitting back down and looking through the small bits of paper and slips of latinum that had been piled on the table. “Really made out like a bandit today. Elnor, looks like Cris put your chores back in the pot – that means you owe them to me now. But, I don’t have any air filters that need replacing, would you be willing to swap them for something else?”

Elnor frowned, feeling suddenly uncomfortable. “I didn’t realise these favors could be traded with other people.”

Raffi’s smile faded a little, “What’s the matter, honey? I won’t ask you to do anything horrible, you know that.”

“It’s just, it makes them a little like promises that can be traded. Promises are like prisons; they hold you hostage until they are done with. If I had realised, I might have tried to think of something else I could bet.”

Seven said, “Don’t worry, Elnor. I’m sure she won’t have you do something truly awful like give her a foot rub.”

“Hey!” Raffi looked indignant. “At least my feet don’t stink like yours do!”

Seven smirked, “That’s what you think. I swear my nasal implant kicks in every time you take your boots off.”

Raffi flicked one of the pieces of paper at her, before both women broke out laughing. Elnor looked confusedly between them. “I don’t understand, are you fighting?”

Seven started laughing harder. Raffi swatted her hand gently, then turned back to him. “No, sweetheart. It’s not a real fight, it’s just teasing.”

“Teasing? What is teasing?”

Seven managed to get her laughter under control. “It’s like play-fighting. Don’t worry, it took me a while to get the hang of as well. It’s something people do when they’re comfortable with each other.”

“Oh, it’s like a game?” He was still a little confused, but these women had both looked after him and he wanted them to like him.

Raffi smiled. “Yes, sort of. Teasing is something friends do. As long as it isn’t mean spirited.”

\--

“…and so, when we had spent time talking in the mess, I thought I would show that we were friends, by teasing you. But when you left I realised that I had upset you. Then I thought about it, and while teasing might be a game for Terrans, it is still a kind of lying. And so, I apologised. First to Raffi, because she heard the lie, and then to you, because you were the one that was hurt by it.” Elnor finished speaking, his face showing a combination of embarrassment and shame. He let his head hang, not looking at her any more. _He’s really worried that he’s hurt me. Huh._

Soji let herself smile, for the first time since he’d started talking. She leaned forward and looked up at him, catching his eye. “Apology accepted. I wasn’t hurt, not badly. A little embarrassed, perhaps, but not _hurt_.”

Elnor looked surprised, but hopeful, “Then I’m forgiven?”

“You’re forgiven.” His face broke into a joyful smile. Soji continued. “On one condition.” His face fell again.

“What’s the condition?”

“I want you to teach me.” She leaned further forward, gripping his hand in her own. “Please, Elnor. I’m totally fascinated by the Qowat Milat. I want to know everything about them. And I want to learn how you fight. I have…programming, I guess, that lets me fight, but it’s not something I’ve learned. Will you teach me?”

Relief shining from his face, he clasped her hand in both of his own. “I would be honored.”


	3. Lies of omission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth, which he was at least able to admit to himself and the rest of the crew, was that he liked her. Oh, he liked them all, in their own ways. Picard was like a father to him, Rios like a boisterous older brother. Seven and Raffi…that was complicated. They both reminded him so much of the nuns he had grown up with that they felt like his elder sisters and at the same time like his mothers – when he had shared this observation with them, Raffi had called him “cute”. Dr Jurati was so very hurt, but she was always kind, and seeing her and the Captain happy together gave him joy. But Soji…she was different. At first, he had thought it was just the delight of making a new friend, but as they had spent more time together, he had to admit to himself it was more than that.

They had talked more in the last week than they had in the month beforehand. The silences between them had become comfortable, no longer awkward. They had discussed much of history, especially Romulan history and the places where it intersected with Terran history. He could tell there were subjects she chose to avoid talking about – like the Earth–Romulan War – but he had explained that part of the point of discussing history was learning from it. He had the feeling that she had expected him to be more sensitive about the topic, and he wondered about the other Romulans she had known. He had thought about asking a few times, but something was holding him back. He knew he shouldn’t allow himself to be swayed by something as ephemeral as _feelings,_ but he couldn’t think of any other reason he was avoiding such an obvious, if sensitive, topic.

The truth, which he was at least able to admit to himself and the rest of the crew, was that he liked her. Oh, he liked them all, in their own ways. Picard was like a father to him, Rios like a boisterous older brother. Seven and Raffi…that was complicated. They both reminded him so much of the nuns he had grown up with that they felt like his elder sisters and at the same time like his mothers – when he had shared this observation with them, Raffi had called him “cute”. Dr Jurati was so very hurt, but she was always kind, and seeing her and the Captain happy together gave him joy. But Soji…she was different. At first, he had thought it was just the delight of making a new friend, but as they had spent more time together, he had to admit to himself it was more than that.

He was fascinated by the way she tilted her head when she was trying to solve a puzzle. When she smiled, he felt his heart rate increase, ever so slightly. Sometimes, when they had sat watch together, he had found himself watching her as she looked out onto the stars, mesmerised by the reflected light spilling across the planes of her face. He had found himself wondering just how organic she was. He did his best to contain those thoughts when he was around her, but he had the feeling she had to be aware of his interest by now. And yet, he couldn’t bring himself to say anything to her. The silence went against everything he had been brought up to believe in, everything he knew to be the right way to behave.

He had tried talking to Picard about these _feelings,_ but the old man had just smiled and told him to enjoy it and that he would only be young once, which hadn’t helped. He had tried talking to Rios, but the Captain had begun soliloquising about _love_ and _poetry_ and _romance,_ and he had come away more confused than before. Dr Jurati had smiled, and told him that he was adorable, and to never change – he had tried to explain that for all living things change was inevitable, but she had just smiled wider and pinched his cheek. He had gone to Raffi, who told him that for such a keen observer he was awful dense, but wouldn’t expand on the statement. Seven had suggested he just speak his mind, which he thought was excellent advice, but every time he had tried the words had become stuck in his throat.

Right now was no different. They were standing in the wide open cargo space in the centre of the ship, facing each other. He had suggested she wear light clothing that was easy to move in but hadn’t expected it to be so…distracting. There should be nothing appealing about loose sweatpants and a vest top, but he couldn’t help noticing that the top was rather tight, and the sweatpants, when she moved, hugged her body in ways that made him think impure thoughts. She had pulled her hair back into a loose ponytail, wisps of hair delicately framing her face. He suddenly realised he’d been staring and cleared his throat.

“The first thing we must do is bow to each other and show that our hearts and hands are open. This is to show that this is a training session, that there is no malice held between us.” He demonstrated, and saw her copy him, perfectly. He nodded, then took up the first unarmed position. “Stand as I stand.”

\--

_Was he staring? He was definitely staring._ She wondered whether the clothes she’d chosen were inappropriate. Maybe Qowat Milat didn’t wear sleeveless clothes? _Maybe she should have asked Picard._

She wanted to make a good impression, wanted to finally make a real friend on board ship. She knew he liked to speak with her, she could tell that he enjoyed her company. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had a real friend. _Had she ever had a real friend?_

She knew she shouldn’t compare him to Narek, but it was hard not to. Elnor was so completely the opposite of every other Romulan she’d ever known. He was so much more open, so much more thoughtful, so much more happy, just so much _more._ He was taller, too. She found it appealing. _And he was speaking._

“The first thing we must do it bow to each other and show that our hearts and hands are open. This is to show that this is a training session, that there is no malice held between us.” As he bowed, hands opening, she copied him. It felt…nice. Knowing that everything was exactly what it appeared to be.

They moved through the different standing positions, each stance flowing into the other with gentle, slow actions. She tried to turn off the analytical side of her brain, to enjoy the motions for their own sake, but it was hard not to notice that if _this_ movement was sped up it could be a powerful blow to the chest, if _this_ movement was given a little more force, it would be a punishing knee strike. She knew she was making the actions correctly, copying Elnor’s poses exactly. It felt a little like cheating, but she didn’t want to hold back. He had been so honest with her. It would feel like a lie to pretend to be less than she was. It was the first time…no, _he_ was the first person she had felt truly able to be entirely herself around. He wasn’t slowing down, wasn’t babying her. He just assumed she was capable.

She realised they had been going through the _ihnnas_ – what Elnor had called each of the different stances – for nearly an hour, repeating them all at least three times.

As she thought this, Elnor gestured and moved into a new pose, one leg raised, arms held in front of him, palm up. He held it, as she copied him. “Good, hold that.” He relaxed and stepped toward her. “This is a test of stamina. You hold this position for as long as you can. You may find that your arms become tired, or your back begins to ache. Do not give in to this.”

He stepped back, watching her. She held the pose, unmoving. He began circling her, slowly. As he did, he seemed to be tapping out a kind of rhythm.

After a little while, Soji found that her arms did indeed began to ache, but she made herself maintain the stance. It took effort to keep her breathing steady. Elnor had moved closer and she didn’t jump when he lightly touched her arm. Softly, he said “This arm is beginning to dip.” He moved his hand slightly along the underside of her arm, lifting it fractionally. Everywhere he had touched felt hypersensitive - she wasn’t used to being touched so gently.

He moved to stand beside her and leaned in a little closer, resting one hand on her back and the other her stomach. “You have a strong core.” She could feel his breath against her neck as he spoke, slightly cooler than a human’s would be. She wanted to shiver, the sensation sending tingles down her spine.

He stepped behind her, gently placing his hands on her leg and shifting it perhaps half an inch. His hands never touched anywhere inappropriate, but Soji could feel herself becoming flustered. The experience was sensual, like being stroked all over by an attentive lover. It was too much, she had to stop before she imploded. It had been months since…

She cleared her throat. “Hey, do we need to take a break?”

He stopped moving. “If you wish. We could carry on for some time yet. My stamina is more than adequate.”

_Did he…?_ She was wound up, feeling hot and, yes, bothered. Was he doing this on purpose? Soji knew she was giving him a questioning look. “Elnor…are you _flirting_ with me?”

She could hear his heart beating faster, could see the faintest tint of a blush creeping across his face. _I made him blush twice. That must be some kind of record._

\--

As they’d moved through the _ihnnas_ , he could almost forget how close they were standing together. Could almost forget the look of total trust he had seen on her face when they had made the sign of _khedak_ to each other. Each step had felt like he was falling further and further into the lie of omission he was perpetuating. But he didn’t want to stop moving in sync with her. He had only to show her how to make each movement once, and she had learned it. The second time they had gone through the movements, it had felt like they were almost in unison, his movements ever so slightly ahead of hers. The third time had felt like they were moving through a dance, in perfect time with one another. He had closed his eyes, but he could still _feel_ her moving next to him. He had had to move on to the stamina training earlier than he had expected.

The stamina training had been almost torture. Of course, she was inexperienced at such exercise, so he tried to remain a dispassionate observer. He noticed her arm beginning to dip and, as his tutors had done for him, he reached out to correct it. He hadn’t prepared himself for what it would feel like to actually touch her. She was warmer than he had expected, her breathing increasing in pace slightly as the exercise began to wear on her. He was impressed, she had maintained the posture longer than most of the Qowat Milat novices could manage. He placed his hands lightly on her stomach and back, to feel the tension in her abdominal muscles, and was surprised at the strength he felt there. He wasn’t sure, but he thought she might have twitched slightly as he did. He was close enough to smell the scent of her hair, something faintly floral, and to see small beads of perspiration around her collarbone. As he watched, one of them began to track down her body to… He quickly let his hands fall away, as if burned. It had felt too much like the beginning of an embrace, and he wanted to be careful not to confuse their friendship with his feelings.

Elnor had moved to her leg, feeling on safer territory here. He had placed his hand on her calf to adjust it slightly, being careful not to tickle her, or touch anywhere that his own tutors would not have touched. As he did, he thought about the stamina in her small body, was amazed by it.

And then, she had interrupted his musing, and he had responded without thinking.

“Elnor…are you _flirting_ with me?” She had moved out of the stamina stance, was looking at him full on, flushed and a little confused.

_Oh no, what had he said?_ He thought back over his words and realised that his statement was perhaps a little suggestive, and that his touching of her, although intended to be like that of a teacher to a student, had perhaps been a little improper. He could feel himself begin to blush.

“I…” He couldn’t lie. Not directly, not to her face. And it was time to be completely honest. He took a deep breath. “It was not my intention to flirt with you, Soji. I meant only to teach you in the way that I was taught.” He paused, gathering his thoughts. “But, Soji, I _have_ been thinking about you, ah, in that way. So, yes?”

Soji looked a little confused at first. Then the tiniest ghost of a smile began at the corners of her mouth. “So, which is it? No, you weren’t flirting, or yes, you were?”

“Yes, I was.” He nodded. “But it was accidental.”

The smile was bigger now, and she had stepped a little closer. “Accidental, huh? Do you _accidentally_ flirt with a lot of people?”

He was struggling to hold eye contact, the embarrassment flooding over him in a wave. “No, I don’t think I’ve ever accidentally flirted with someone before.”

“Oh, so you’ve purposefully flirted with people?”

_Please, deckplate, swallow me now._ “No, I haven’t ever really flirted with _anyone_ before.”

She stopped moving towards him, a look of surprise on her face. “Really? No one? Not even on Vashti?”

“I’m not inclined towards lies, Soji, if you will remember. No, I’ve not flirted with anyone, even on Vashti.” He looked back into her eyes, unsure of what emotion he could see there. Was it still surprise, or had it moved to pity?

“But why?” She was definitely confused, he could tell that much.

He sighed and sat cross legged on a mat he’d laid on the floor earlier on. He gestured for her to sit next to him. “It is not a complicated story. I grew up in a _convent_ , Soji. We have discussed enough history that I know those existed on Earth as well. The Qowat Milat don’t…”

Her eyes widened, and her mouth fell open. She let out a long breath, ”Ohhh…. Wait, so you mean the Qowat Milat take a vow of chastity?”

Elnor nodded. She looked…disappointed? _That was unexpected._

Biting her lip, she patted him on the arm. “Well, I’m sure it’s a really important part of the…”

“I’m not Qowat Milat, Soji.” He interrupted her, voice low. He tried to put as much of the _passion_ he had been feeling into his voice. “I have made no vows, except to Picard as his qalankhkai.” He looked at her, watching as closely as he could to see how she would react. If she felt even slightly the same way as he did, surely it would show?

The flush began around her collar bone, then rushed to her cheeks. She wasn’t looking at him anymore, head dipped, the hair that had worked its way loose of her ponytail dropping to cover her face. Holding his breath, Elnor reached out and touched her chin with one finger, gently tipping her face up towards his.

“I ask no promise of you, Soji Asha, but swear I will do you no harm.” He softly smoothed his thumb across her cheek, touching the corner of her mouth. The pale, pink tip of her tongue licked where his thumb had passed, and he caught his breath.

Finally, her eyes met his. They glistened slightly with unshed tears. “Elnor, I…I _can’t_.” She took a deep breath. “Please don’t misunderstand me. It’s not you. It’s so very not you. It’s just, the last man I…”

“Narek.”

She nodded. “He betrayed me. Completely. I don’t know if you know how that feels, but…” she trailed off, looking at him.

He thought about it. “I have felt betrayed before.” He thought back to the time before Picard had returned to take him off Vashti, of how he had resented the man that had abandoned him. “…but I don’t think it was the same kind of betrayal.”

Soji had pulled her knees up to her chest, looking younger, more vulnerable. “I trusted him. I _loved_ him. But it was all a lie.” Tears were silently falling from her eyes, leaving glistening lines of wetness on her face.

This was the source of her hesitance. In one regard, at least, he could reassure her.

“I will not lie to you, Soji. And I cannot say that I won’t be attracted to you, because of that. But I will speak no more about it to you.” Elnor leaned forward, and made a bow towards her, hands open. “Unless you ask me to, of course.” He smiled at her.

Soji wiped her eyes and smiled back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I got the random Romulan words from a Romulan-English dictionary I found on the internet at: http://mrklingo.freeshell.org/romulan/engtorihan.html
> 
> ihnna is listed as the verb/noun for “stand” (I used this because it was the best word I could find, please don’t judge me!)   
> khedak is given as the word for “friendly”
> 
> Pretty sure this dictionary is mostly made up of from the (not “official” canon) Star Trek novels about Romulan history, which I have not read, but really should since I’m a huge fan of Diane Duane.
> 
> Additional note - please forgive me if my spelling is all over the place between US and UK English. I have tried really hard to consistently use US English but it is currently after 1am and I don't think I can re-read this chapter again. I would like to thank the anxiety for the insomnia that allows me to write ._.


	4. Self deception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As she stepped into the cargo hold, she stopped short. Elnor stood in front of her, still as a statue in the first ihnna. She could see the coiled strength in his body - could see it exceptionally well, as he didn’t have a shirt on. As she watched, almost holding her breath, he shifted through each of the movements one by one, but at a speed she had never imagined. Done like this, she could see how each posture flowed into the others with deadly speed. She could see where he was improvising movements between each stance, adapting them to his greater reach. She could see the muscles bunching underneath his skin, which was practically glowing coppery-red. As quickly as he had begun moving, he stopped, shouting wordlessly. He was panting ever so slightly, a slight sweat gleaming across his forehead and body.

It had been a week since their last – _disastrous, say it how it is_ – training session, and she wasn’t sure how to feel. She knew he was still thinking about her – she could hear his already fast heartbeat accelerate every time she walked into the room, now that she was aware of it to notice – but true to his word he hadn’t said anything about it, nor had he made any move in her direction. They hadn’t had a watch together all week, had barely seen each other in passing in the mess. She wasn’t sure if he was the one avoiding her now, but she didn’t think it was likely. Still, they were both off watch this afternoon and it was time for their second training session.

As she stepped into the cargo hold, she stopped short. Elnor stood in front of her, still as a statue in the first _ihnna_. She could see the coiled strength in his body - could see it _exceptionally_ well, as he didn’t have a shirt on. As she watched, almost holding her breath, he shifted through each of the movements one by one, but at a speed she had never imagined. Done like this, she could see how each posture _flowed_ into the others with deadly speed. She could see where he was improvising movements between each stance, adapting them to his greater reach. She could see the muscles bunching underneath his skin, which was practically glowing coppery-red. As quickly as he had begun moving, he stopped, shouting wordlessly. He was panting ever so slightly, a slight sweat gleaming across his forehead and body.

Soji wasn’t sure whether she wanted to go into the spacious room in front of her or turn back and go to her own to cool down. Too late she realised she must have made some kind of sound. _Please don’t let it have been a whimper._

Elnor turned and bowed to her. “I apologise. I was concentrating and didn’t see you until I had already begun. Then, it looked like you were enjoying watching me, so I kept going until I was finished.” He grinned at her. “I’ll put my shirt on now.”

Soji could feel herself blushing _again_. “Uh, yeah. Sure. Sorry, ah, should I come back another time?”

He shook his head. “No, now is fine. I was warming up. Now I’m warm. You should probably warm up too, then we can begin your training session.”

 _Oh, I’m warm…_ Soji gave her head a slight shake and stepped further into the room. She began doing some stretches, easing muscles cramped from sitting in ship’s chairs.

“Let’s see what you remember.” Elnor took up first position again and nodded for her to do the same. As she did, he began moving through each of the actions and she copied him precisely. He picked up the pace, going faster than they had the last time they had trained together. He started improvising again, and she wasn’t sure if he wanted her to copy or to carry on with the forms she had been taught. Deciding she could afford to show off a little, she began to incorporate his improvisations into her own movements. She saw his eyes gleam as he nodded with approval. They moved through each of the forms twice before Elnor called a halt.

“You should have a drink.”

Soji nodded, slightly out of breath. She grabbed a small squeeze bottle of electrolyte juice from the replicator and threw another to Elnor. “You too.”

They sat together on the floor, both panting slightly. Soji looked over at him. “Were you showing off?”

Elnor nodded, grinning. “Of course. This is something that I enjoy doing, and I’m good at it. Showing off would get me extra chores if I did it at the convent, but _you_ cannot assign me chores.”

Soji laughed, some of the tension within her easing.

\--

She was laughing. That had to be a good sign. It had been a risk, continuing with the _ihnnas_ after he had noticed her come into the room, even though he could clearly tell she had liked watching him. He hadn’t been sure whether he was pushing things slightly to be showing off his skill and his body, but she didn’t seem to object. Perhaps Seven had been right.

_“I think, if the answer was ‘no’, she would have just said so.” Seven casually scrolled through the various astrometric readings La Sirena was displaying. “She’s not some innocent virgin, Elnor.”_

_He nodded. “I think you might be right. I don’t want to make her more uncomfortable than I already do. And I have left it up to her whether she wishes to take things further. But I don’t know what to say to her now. I’m not…experienced with women, Seven.”_

_Seven looked at him, a gentle smile on her face. “Oh gee, really? I couldn’t have guessed.” She leaned over and ruffled his hair slightly. ”What do you want to say to her?”_

_He thought about it. “I would like to say that she is beautiful, and intelligent, and that when she moves it looks like music sounds. I want to tell her that since we began talking to each other, I have thought of her very often, even dreamed about her. I want to tell her that if I could take away the pain that Narek had caused, I wouldn’t, because it would make her be someone other than who she is, and who she is, is magnificent.” He stopped._

_Seven smiled at him. “Sounds to me like you know what you want to say to her, so what’s the problem? Oh wait, did you promise that you wouldn’t?”_

_Elnor shook his head. “I said I wouldn’t mention it to her again unless she asked.”_

_“Then I guess you’d better find a way to make her ask.”_

_Elnor and Seven sat in silence a while longer._

_“Seven, how can you tell when you’re in love?”_

_Seven’s eyes widened, and she looked at him before quickly looking away. “It’s different for everyone.”_

_“How did you know?” Elnor’s open face looked troubled._

_“Well…” She thought about it. She and Raffi had been together a couple of months, at first the odd hookup after a long watch, but that had very quickly turned into frequent hookups before a long watch, after a long watch, and on one memorable occasion, during a long watch. It had been just sex, at first, but hadn’t stayed that way for long. “Raffi just…got into my head, I guess. Stomped her way in and wouldn’t let me not love her.”_

_Elnor was frowning slightly. “I’m not sure that is a helpful comparison.”_

_Seven acknowledged this with a flick of her hand. “Yeah, like I said, it’s different for everyone.” She looked back out over the stars. “Elnor, if I asked you, ‘do you love Soji Asha’, would you honestly be able to say no?”_

_He paused, giving the question the respect it deserved before answering. “I would not.”_

_“Sounds to me like you know how to tell when you’re in love.” Seven smiled at him, gently._

_Elnor nodded, thoughtfully. “I think I have been deceiving myself because I am afraid of being rejected. I would like to tell her, either way, as it feels deceptive to not tell her.”_

_“Can you think of a way to tell her you love her without being pushy about it?”_

_Elnor threw his hands up in exasperation. “No, I can’t, that’s why I was asking you!”_

_Seven sighed. “I guess we’re back to finding a way to get her to ask you.”_

_They sat again in companionable silence, both lost in thought._

_Seven stirred, “Elnor, did you say you’re giving her martial arts lessons?”_

_He nodded. “Yes, any time we’re both off watch for the day. Next time will be tomorrow.”_

_“I have an idea…”_

The suggestion to be shirtless when Soji came into the cargo hold had, it appeared, been a good one. He wasn’t sure it was sticking entirely to the spirit of the restrictions he had set on himself – after all, being half naked around the woman he loved was definitely a little pushy – but Soji had not objected, and the way she kept sneaking small glances in his direction had to be a good sign.

“Elnor…” Soji was looking at him again, and he couldn’t quite read her facial expression.

“Yes?”

She was leaning forward slightly. “What are you thinking about, right now?”

He paused. “Right now, I am thinking about the question you’ve asked…”

She rolled her eyes. Elnor held up a hand _wait_.

“…before that, I was thinking about the conversation that I had with Seven yesterday.”

Soji raised her eyebrows. “Was it an interesting conversation?”

He chuckled slightly. ”Oh yes, very much so.” He furrowed his brow. “Why are you asking?”

“You were smiling. In fact, you looked really, really happy.”

He nodded. “Yes. It’s a good memory.”

She tilted her head slightly. “Oh? What’s good about it?”

He could feel his heart rate speed up. He felt slightly lightheaded. _Am I really going to…? Yes._ “It was then that I realised I love you.”

\--

“…I love you.”

The teasing words she’d been about to say died on her tongue. She knew her eyes were wide open with shock, staring at Elnor. _Had he…? Yes._

“…You love me?” The words came out as barely a whisper.

He was nodding but hadn’t moved from where he was sitting. “Yes. I love you, Soji.”

“But you can’t!”

Elnor looked confused. “I can. I do.”

Her head was whirling. He loved her? He _loved_ her. She thought she might be hyperventilating, but she was definitely floating several feet above her body, so it was hard to tell. She was still staring at him. He looked upset.

He was getting up to leave.

“Soji, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to distress you.”

As he leaned forward to bow, Soji jumped to her feet, pulling him close to her in a hug. She held him, burrowing her face into his chest. After a moment, she felt him put his arms around her. She took in a deep breath, smelling the peculiar mix of scents that she associated with him; blade oil, homespun fabric, clean man. He was so _solid_ , the muscles underneath his skin still hard from their recent workout.

She leaned back slightly, allowing enough space for her to look up into his face. _Was he always this tall?_ “You didn’t distress me, Elnor. You surprised me.”

He was looking at her but not saying anything. He held her, and she felt…safe. Secure. She had worried that she might feel trapped if she let another man get so close, but this was different. Yes, he was Romulan, yes he had dark hair, but other than that everything was different. Instead of secrets, he had honesty. Instead of lies, he spilled truths almost without trying.

Tentatively, she leaned towards him, tilting her head upwards. He didn’t seem to understand, so gently she tugged on his neck until his head came down and his mouth met hers. She closed her eyes.

The kiss was gentle, inexperienced, shy. She could hear his heartbeat, always so much quicker than a human heart, but now racing so fast it was becoming hard to separate one beat from another. They breathed in sync. Elnor gently lifted a hand and stroked her hair, his hand moving down her shoulder, her arm, before settling at her back. He began to draw her in closer, and for a moment she felt herself stiffen.

Immediately, he pulled back, letting her go. “I reminded you of him.”

“No! I mean, maybe. Not really…. A little, yes.” She let her head fall, her emotions swirling like the ocean.

“I’m not Narek, Soji. I have no intention of hurting you. If you want me to stop, need me to stop, I will. Always. Please, trust me.” He sounded so sincere. She looked into his eyes for reassurance and found it there in abundance.

“How do I know I can trust you?”

Elnor looked at her. Sighed. “You don’t. And I don’t know if I can trust you. I _will_ hurt you. You _will_ hurt me. It’s inevitable. But I want to try anyway. That’s the beauty of love.”

She bit her lip, looked down, then up at him. “I’ll try.”

She stepped forward again, into his arms, and their breaths mingled as they fell into another kiss.


	5. Honesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hi Soji." Raffi sat down on her right, smiling warmly. She was dressed casually, comfortably, her hair loose and wild around her head. "How are you this morning?"
> 
> Soji smiled back. She wanted so much to blurt out everything that had happened, but her natural caution stopped her. It was too new, too fragile. Putting words around it might box her in. She decided to stick to pleasantries for the time being. "I'm good! Great, even." 
> 
> "Excellent." Seven of Nine sat down on her other side, trapping her between them on the bench. "Then you'll be happy to answer some questions."

Soji sat in the mess, trying to focus on the plate in front of her. She and Elnor had spent the rest of the day talking, and far into the night. Mostly inconsequential things, light conversation. Finding the places where each of them was hesitant to go further, and the places where one or the other of them had so much passion it was contagious. She felt almost like she was floating, a bubbling excitement inside her. She knew it was pseudo-endorphins flooding her system, but it was as real as for any other person at the very edge of falling in love. She picked up one of her fries, contemplating it before putting it in her mouth.

She was fairly sure the whole situation was new for him – certainly he was a virgin, had even proudly admitted as much when she’d dared to chance the question. He’d informed her that the Sisters had taught him that sex was not for purely procreation but should also be more than just a physical act of intimacy, that with the right person it could be a connection at a deeper level. They had also cautioned him about the use of sex as a tool for deception and manipulation, and that, whoever he chose to share that intimacy with, he needed to be certain it was for the right reasons and not simply a by-product of lust or hormones. Soji had, at first, felt like there was a layer of judgment in his explanation, but had felt confident enough to ask him if that was the case. To which he had calmly replied that it was not his place to pass judgement on the way she had chosen to live her life. He had then turned the question around on her – did she feel like there was something to be judgemental about in the way she had conducted her past sexual relationships? She hadn’t been able to answer the question. Certainly, it had given her a lot to think about.

After the conversation had petered out, they had spent some time in comfortable silence, Elnor with his arms wrapped around her, her head cradled on his shoulder. She had been close to falling asleep when he reminded her that he had bridge watch later and needed to wash up. Reluctantly they had separated with a final, soft kiss.

Soji heard other people come into the mess, hardly paying them any attention.

"Hi Soji." Raffi sat down on her right, smiling warmly. She was dressed casually, comfortably, her hair loose and wild around her head. "How are you this morning?"

Soji smiled back. She wanted so much to blurt out everything that had happened, but her natural caution stopped her. It was too new, too fragile. Putting words around it might box her in. She decided to stick to pleasantries for the time being. "I'm good! Great, even." 

"Excellent." Seven of Nine sat down on her other side, trapping her between them on the bench. "Then you'll be happy to answer some questions." Seven’s mouth was set in a grim line, and there was little friendliness in her expression.

“Ques-“Soji’s mind ran through the facts in a fraction of a second. _Seven and Raffi are both here this morning, they have questions, the only thing that’s changed since yesterday is that Elnor and I kissed, so it’s Elnor they want to ask about, or I guess it could be me, he views them like adoptive sister/mothers, do they think the same? seems likely, therefore they’re trying to protect him, so am I, also he’s a grown adult man, they’re likely to try for good cop, bad cop, and Seven would have to be the bad cop because despite herself I don’t think she can help it, and Raffi could probably play either but she also has to know you get more flies with honey, I don’t know exactly what they want to know but I think I can guess, I guess the best path is honesty_. “-tions? Of course. What would you like to know?”

Soji smiled broadly at Seven.

\--

_Several hours earlier..._

Raffi stood looking out of the small porthole in her cabin, awed as she always was by the vastness of space. It was hard to find time for privacy and intimacy aboard a ship as small as La Sirena - there was a soft chime from the door – still, every now and then they could find a snatched moment.

“Come in”

Raffi turned to see Seven standing in the doorway. The xB was wearing a tight, white vest and her hair fell in soft waves around her face. She was holding a bottle of chilled wine in one hand and had a smile on her face. She cocked an eyebrow at Raffi and walked into the room. The door hissed closed behind her.

“Computer, lock door.”

Raffi shivered slightly to herself as the other woman walked steadily towards her. Seven set the bottle of wine on a side table but didn’t slow down.

They met in the middle of the room, mouths clashing, arms wrapping tight around each other, hands snaking under clothes to touch and stroke.

_God, I’ve waited all day for this_

Raffi felt herself becoming slightly lightheaded, the rush of blood through her body more intoxicating than any drug. She ran her hands up the other woman’s back, pulling her closer, urging Seven to move with her towards the bed.

Another chime sounded from the door.

“Ignore it.”

The chime sounded again, and the insistent sound of someone knocking hard on the door cut through the heavy air of the room. Whatever it was, it must be urgent. Seven and Raffi pulled apart, the mood shattered. Raffi sighed heavily, resting her forehead for a moment against Seven’s before stepping away. She straightened her shirt and called out, “Computer, unlock door. Come in.”

The door hissed open, Elnor falling through it before it could fully retract. His face shone with delight. “Raffi, I…” He paused, taking in the room, and his face fell. Seven, arms folded, eyebrow cocked, foot tapping. Raffi, flushed and flustered, hair in disarray. A bottle of wine on the table, condensation dripping silently down the glass. “…oh. _Oh_. I’m sorry, I’m in-butting. I’ll come back another time.” He bowed and turned to leave.

Raffi felt her heart clench a little inside her and looked at Seven with mute appeal. _He’s such a sweet boy, and so neglected_. Seven nodded, almost imperceptibly.

“Stay, honey. Whatever you want to talk about is clearly important.” Raffi smiled at him and gestured for him to sit.

Raffi sat on the small couch, the only other piece of real furniture in the cabin. Seven stretched herself out on the bed, rolling from her back to her side, giving Raffi a smile and a slight wink. Raffi caught her lip between her teeth and looked away. _Now is not the time…_ Elnor, oblivious, made himself comfortable on the floor.

Raffi realised he was almost _vibrating_ he was so excited. She looked at him, expectantly.

“So…?”

“I explained to Soji that I love her, and I thought I had upset her because she didn’t seem happy about it, but then she kissed me.”

Raffi’s mouth fell open. She’d known he was harbouring a crush but love? That was a whole other mess of tribbles. She glanced at Seven, who didn’t seem as surprised as she herself felt. _I guess she knew?_

“You love her, huh? Did she say whether she loves you back?”

“No. But she did kiss me. It was nice. I told her that it’s inevitable we’re going to hurt each other, but I want to try anyway.” He was smiling, that was good.

Nevertheless, Raffi could feel her concern rising – Elnor was so _young_ and so _inexperienced_. Had he ever kissed anyone before?

“Honey, have you ever kissed anyone before? You know kissing doesn’t mean that she loves you back, right?”

Elnor nodded. “I know.” He thought about her question. “I have had kisses before, like sisterly or motherly kisses. But it was the first time I’ve ever been kissed like _that_. There were _tongues_ involved.” He seemed surprised. “No one ever told me that _tongues_ were involved.”

“Sometimes.” Seven smirked at him, her head propped on one arm. “If it’s a _good_ kiss.”

Raffi glowered at her slightly. “Did she say anything else?”

“Oh, we talked for hours.” He grinned “We kissed some more as well. But then I remembered I had to go on watch and needed to wash. But I had to tell you first.” He looked up at her. He looked happy…but cautious, as if he was afraid she might not approve.

Raffi felt the pang in her chest again, ever so slightly overwhelming. She hadn’t been there for Gabe – hadn’t been _able_ to be there – when he was going through his first love. Hadn’t been able to support him, encourage him, guide him. And here was this boy – _this young man,_ she corrected herself – looking to her for approval.

She smiled broadly at him, then leaned down to hug him gently. “I’m so happy for you, sweetheart.”

Seven leaned over and ruffled his hair. “Well done, kid. But…” the xB looked at the wall chrono, “unless I’m very much mistaken, your watch is in ten minutes. If you’re going to wash and change you’d better get going.”

Elnor’s face fell and he jumped to his feet. “I lost track of time!” He darted out the door, calling “Thank you!” over his shoulder.

Raffi stood as he left, smiling slightly to herself. She felt Seven step up behind her.

“Now, where were we?”

“Computer, lock door.”

\---

“Elnor told you that he loves you,” Seven went first, of course.

“That’s not a question.” Soji kept her face neutral, although she was amused by the seriousness of the other two women.

“Do you love him?”

“I don’t know yet.” It was true. Certainly their relationship was like none she’d had before. There was none of the illicit thrill she’d had with Narek, but then there was also none of the fear. Instead, it had been a gradual and growing comfort, a feeling of safety, the closeness of shared experience.

“That’s not an answer.” Seven frowned.

Raffi held up a placating hand. “Seven, we both know it’s a complicated question. Give her a chance.”

_Here comes the good cop._

“Soji, honey, we’re only looking out for Elnor. He’s barely out of the convent. We just don’t want to see him get hurt.”

She was giving Soji the _eyes_. The ‘you can trust me, honest’ eyes. The eyes with everything upfront and nothing behind them. She’d seen eyes like those before. They were the eyes of a trained operative. Subconsciously she flinched away from the thought.

“I have no intention of hurting Elnor. I _like_ him.” Sticking to the truth was working so far.

Seven leaned closer, close enough that Soji could see every minute change in the iris of her human eye. The biosynthetic eye changed too, a microsecond later, the difference imperceptible to someone without enhanced senses.

“So what _are_ your intentions?” Seven’s heart rate had increased, ever so slightly. The answer to this question was important. From the way Raffi was very carefully _not_ moving, Soji judged that it was important to her as well.

This question was not so easy. She settled on a vague answer. “I intend to see where this takes us.”

Seven snorted slightly, then said “Do you _intend_ to get laid?”

So, Seven was trying to provoke her. That was easily enough deflected. “If that’s the way things go, yes.”

Raffi again, this time pushing the ‘mama voice’, her face a picture of innocent concern. “And you won’t push him into it, before he’s ready?”

Soji let her eyes widen, displaying shock and surprise. “I would never!” _Besides_ , she thought to herself, _he hasn’t needed much pushing so far_.

“But you are, uh, experienced, right?” Raffi gently tilted her head to one side, glancing over at Seven meaningfully.

Soji sighed, _this_ she had expected. “Yes, I’ve had a sexual relationship before.”

Raffi looked at her encouraging. “And that was with…?”

Soji tried not to but couldn’t keep herself from rolling her eyes. “With Narek, as you well know. And no, I have no intention of comparing them.”

“Oh, that’s good. That’s good, honey.” Raffi smiled at her, moving ever so slightly closer. “And was he your first…?”

Soji knew she was starting to get flustered. She had expected personal questions, but this was more intense than she’d anticipated. “I… yes, I think so.”

“Oh, you think so?” Raffi looked at Seven, her eyes widening. “You don’t know?”

Soji shifted uncomfortably in the seat, fighting to maintain her composure. “I… Not all of my memories are clear. I don’t think I had any sexual partners before Narek, I think they were part of the implanted memories, but I can’t be certain.” _And wasn’t that humiliating_. Knowing that her creators had felt it necessary to give her a sexual history so that she wouldn’t seem out of place or inappropriately inexperienced for someone in her position. She tried not to think about it.

“Hmm.” Raffi’s face was all concern, Seven’s all coldness.

Seven raised an eyebrow. “Have you been…tested?”

“Tested?” Soji looked at her, nonplussed. “For what?”

Raffi gently laid her hand over Soji’s, “Oh honey, for STDs. You know, venereal diseases?”

She gaped at Raffi. “I do not have an STD!” She started to get up from the table.

Seven’s hand clamped, gently but firmly, around her wrist. “She didn’t say you do. But until you get tested you won’t know for sure.”

“You mean _you_ won’t know.” Soji knew she’d lost her cool. Fine. “Look, I get it, the pair of you are like Elnor’s new moms or whatever. It’s great, he gets to be supported and you get to feel like you’ve got a second chance.”

“Now wait just a minute-” Raffi’s eyes flashed as she let a little of her real feelings leak through her operative’s mask.

“No, you wait. I’m not done.” Soji moved from the table and turned to face them. “Elnor is a grown man. He can make his own decisions. Does he know the two of you are here interrogating me?”

She could see both of them begin to flush, whether with anger or embarrassment she wasn’t sure. Still, she’d had enough of the Q and A. “That’s what I thought. I’m going to my quarters now. Don’t bother me.”


	6. Openness

“D’you think we went too far?” Raffi played with Seven’s hair, the xB’s head pillowed on her shoulder.

Seven sighed. “Maybe.”

They lay together in Seven’s bed, a light blanket the only thing covering them. From this angle it was possible to see the stars silently passing by as the ship moved through space. Seven reflected that that was something that still occasionally surprised her. After all, there are no portholes on a Borg cube. It helped, she thought. It reminded her that she was human.

“He’s just so _young_ , you know?” Raffi protested wearily. ”I don’t wanna see him get hurt.”

Seven chuckled slightly. “I bet he’s older than you were the first time.”

Raffi huffed. “You know what I mean. Not physically. Emotionally. Socially. He’s practically an infant when it comes to romance, and here’s this experienced older woman…”

Seven moved to lean on her elbow. “You know Soji’s officially less than four years old, right?” She smiled down at her lover.

Raffi waved her hand in a shooing motion. “Yeah yeah, I know. In years. But in experience? In _programming_?” She raised an eyebrow at Seven. “That girl’s got a past, and it worries me.”

Seven brushed a stray curl away from Raffi’s forehead then followed her fingers with a kiss. “I know you’re worried, but Elnor’s a big boy. And anyway, we both know that no one listens to advice. He’ll make his own mistakes and learn from them. All we can do is be here to help him pick up the pieces.”

Raffi sighed again. “I know you’re right, but I don’t like it.”

Seven grinned down at her. “I can think of something you do like…”

For a while, there was no more talking.

\--

The planet had been cool and wet, an unfamiliar dampness hanging in the air everywhere around him. Picard had insisted on leading the way into the dimly lit bar, overruling Elnor’s very valid objections and reminding Elnor that he had far more experience in galactic cultural mores. The bar had been almost empty, the majority of its patrons being members of the local ichthyoid species. Picard’s contact had sat at a small table in one corner. Elnor had done his best not to eavesdrop on the conversation, keeping his senses alert for any threats despite Picard’s assurances that Antedeans were by and large a peaceful species.

He had found his mind straying back to the time he had spent with Soji. It was exciting, this getting to know another person so deeply. Learning to anticipate her answers to questions, being surprised when he guessed wrong. He realised he was smiling slightly, had been distracted, and brought himself back to the present. Picard was saying his goodbyes to the Antedean, standing to shake what passed for its hand. As they did, Elnor was certain he had seen some kind of data chip pass between them, but it was gone as they drew apart again. It was not his business, this subtlety that Picard was pursuing. His task was to protect the old man.

As they made their way back out of the bar and along the slippery-wet stones of the street, Picard looked up at Elnor.

“You seem distracted.”

Elnor felt himself flush slightly. “I apologise, Admiral.”

Picard smiled slightly at him. “It is not as much a criticism as it is an observation. I have to wonder what’s caused it. Perhaps a certain young lady…?”

Elnor felt himself nodding before he had consciously thought about the question, years of training to be honest combining with the respect he had for this man overriding any desire to dissemble.

“Yes, Admiral. Soji and I are exploring our relationship.”

Picard’s eye crinkled slightly at the corners. “I see.”

“We are taking things slowly. I am inexperienced, and Soji has been hurt.”

Picard was still smiling at him. “Very wise.”

“So far we have mostly talked, and sometimes kissed.”

Picard raised his eyebrows but said nothing.

“The kissing was very nice.”

Picard chuckled, and stopped walking. “My dear boy, I should be very disappointed if it wasn’t.” He patted Elnor on the shoulder. “You only ever have one first love, I would advise you to enjoy it.” He pointed to a small shop just off the path. “If you would take an old man’s advice, perhaps a gift would be appropriate?”

\--

Soji had retreated to her quarters, burying herself in research papers. The door beeped quietly, and she shifted in her chair, realising she’d been sat in the same position for a couple of hours.

“Who is it?” Soji tried to keep the defensiveness out of her tone. She really didn’t feel like dealing with certain members of the crew.

“It’s Agnes. Can I come in? I brought ice cream.”

Soji sighed quietly, but at least Agnes wasn’t likely to turn inquisition. “Sure, come on in.”

Soji set aside the padd she’d been reading and stood up, stretching her arms above her head. It was late in the ship’s day. They’d been in orbit around Antede III for a few hours, Picard and Elnor on the planet’s surface to meet some mysterious ‘old friend’ of the Admiral’s.

The door hissed open quietly, and Agnes leaned in, a sweet smile on her face. “Hi! I was just coming off watch and realised I hadn’t seen you for a while. So, I grabbed some ice cream, because ice cream always makes things better.”

Soji could tell Agnes still wasn’t sleeping well, her eyes still shadowed. She knew Agnes had nightmares, did her best to block out the sound of night terrors not quite muffled enough through the thick bulkheads of the ship.

Agnes was still standing in the doorway hesitantly. Soji did her best to plaster a reassuring smile on her own face, gesturing for the other woman to step inside. “Come on in, I’m just reading through some new xenoanthro papers. Fresh and hot from Federation Central.”

Agnes perked up. “Ooh, anything exciting?” She stepped into the room, the door quietly closing behind her.

Soji shrugged, “A few interesting bits and pieces, mostly just rehashing things we already know, as if it’s a surprise that the Kzinti have previously unobserved post-war rituals.”

Agnes nodded. “I find that a lot of really cutting-edge research never makes it to the journals. Very little I tried to have published ever saw the light of day.”

Soji sat back down, accepting the small tub of ice cream and spoon that Agnes passed her. “I can’t imagine how frustrating that must have been. To be the expert in your field but hardly anyone aware of it.” She shook her head.

“Oh, believe me, it was.” Agnes stabbed her ice cream rather more viciously than necessary. “Everyone respected Bruce…” She stopped, catching her breath, then shook her head. “Ah, never mind.” She sunk further into her chair, hair falling forward to cover her face.

Soji couldn’t help but notice the tears that had sprung to her eyes. She leaned forward, resting her hand gently on the older woman’s wrist. “Agnes, it’s okay that you’re not okay.”

The small woman let out a muffled sob. “I’m so sorry, Soij. I didn’t come here for this. It’s just…sometimes I forget, and then I remember, and it’s as if it’s all happening again.”

Soji bit her lip. She wasn’t sure what to say. ’It’s okay’ was hardly appropriate, nor was it true. ‘I understand’ was out too. She settled on saying nothing, just holding Agnes’s hand in her own while she cried it out.

After a little while Agnes sniffed and leaned forward again, brushing the tears from her eyes. “I’m okay. I promise.” She squeezed Soji’s hand then let go, sitting more comfortably in her chair. Taking a bite of her ice cream, she looked up at Soji. “So, what’s going on with you and Elnor?”

\--

He could hear feminine laughter as he approached the door to Soji’s quarters, carefully carrying the small wrapped gift. It sounded as if she had a guest, maybe Agnes?

He pressed the comm button, heard Soji call out, “Come in.”

The door opened and Elnor could see the room was in disarray, empty ice cream tubs littering the table. Where the two small chairs usually sat there was a blanket covered mound, a warm light glowing from within. There was what looked like an opening in the folds of the blanket. As he stepped closer, he saw Soji’s head poke out. She looked up at him, a mischievous smile on her face “What’s the password?”

Nonplussed, he stopped. “Password? I don’t know.”

“BZZT! Wrong!” Soji’s head disappeared, and he heard giggling from within the makeshift tent.

“Wait…!”

“Also wrong!” He heard Agnes call from the tent. “No entry for strangers to Jurasha Castle!”

“To what?” Eyebrows raised, he looked again at the mount. From a certain angle it did resemble some kind of fortification, he supposed. “Oh, I see. You’ve made a castle out of blankets?”

“A blanket fort!”

“And I have to guess a password to get inside?” Elnor let the amusement show in his voice. How about, ‘I brought you a present’?”

The door flipped open, revealing Soji again. She looked up at him. “You did?”

“That’s not the password!” Agnes appeared next to Soji, grinning up at him. “But I guess you can come inside anyway.”

They moved back to make space as he crawled into the blanket tent. The space inside might have been enough for two small women, but the addition of one tall Romulan made it decidedly cramped. He tried to sit cross-legged, but even so had to hunch not to hit his head on the covers above.

“You said you got me a present?” Soji shuffled closer.

He nodded, opening his hand to reveal the small, delicately wrapped object. “I got it on the planet.”

Hesitantly, Soji reached for it, looking up at him in inquiry. “Is it okay if I open it?”

He nodded. “I bought it for you.”

She deftly folded back the paper, revealing a fist-sized pearl that had been hollowed out and carved. Eyes wide, she looked back up at Elnor. “It’s beautiful.”

He smiled. “In the past, the Antedeans would make these as courting gifts. At least as much care went into the culturing of the pearl as went into the carving. I thought you might appreciate the cultural significance as much as how pretty it is for itself. Of course, they are produced on a slightly larger scale now, but-“

Soji leaned forward and kissed him fiercely on the mouth. He kissed her back, stroking her hair and letting his other hand fall to her waist.

Neither of them noticed as a smiling Agnes quietly let herself out of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay. Life uh, finds a way...to distract and disrupt me. I _will_ finish this.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I got any random Romulan words that aren't from Picard from a Romulan-English dictionary I found on the internet at: http://mrklingo.freeshell.org/romulan/engtorihan.html (updated link)
> 
> Pretty sure this dictionary is mostly made up of from the (not “official” canon) Star Trek novels about Romulan history, which I have not read, but really should since I’m a huge fan of Diane Duane.


End file.
